Relationship Guidance
I don’t know about you but I have been told I have a “bad picker”. My choices in romantic relationships and friends have been questionable at times. I realized I didn’t have the skills I needed to protect myself from allowing people to harm me. In Mental Health Recovery I learned how to create relationships that protect peace and stability.
Here’s what I learned :
Evil Stays Hidden
One of the hardest things for people to understand after being harmed is why they did not see what was happening.
Many people look back on painful experiences and ask themselves questions like:
Why didn’t I see it?
Why didn’t I know something was wrong?
Why didn’t someone stop it?
These questions often lead to guilt and self‑blame.
But there is an important truth to remember:
Evil often stays hidden.
People who intend to harm others rarely make their intentions obvious. Instead, they often hide what they are doing. They may gain trust, appear kind, or create situations that seem normal on the surface. Because of this, many harmful actions are intentionally concealed.
When something is hidden, it cannot easily be seen. Not seeing something that was deliberately hidden does not mean a person failed. It means the harm was concealed.
One reason survivors often struggle with guilt is because they believe they should have known something that was never visible to them at the time. Understanding that evil often stays hidden can help release some of that burden. The responsibility for hidden harm belongs to the person who chose to hide it.
People loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light and avoids it so their deeds will not be exposed. John 3:19-20
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Everything exposed by the light becomes visible. Ephesians 5:11-13
For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17
Safety and Fear
As we talk about fear, it is important to understand something.
God calls us to live with wisdom, not recklessness.
Safety is part of wisdom.
Learning to make safe choices is part of our responsibility.
For example, when we raise children we teach them safety.
We teach them things like:
look both ways before crossing the street
do not talk to strangers
wear a seatbelt
stay close to safe adults
As parents, we also make safety decisions.
We choose safe people to care for our children.
We choose safe environments.
We pay attention to situations that could be harmful.
These are wise safety practices.
But safety practices are meant to reduce fear, not increase it.
Once we have done what we reasonably can to create safety, we are meant to live our lives.
If we continue to live in constant fear even after making wise choices, we begin suffering unnecessarily. This is where fear takes control.
A person may start thinking:
- What if something terrible happens?
- What if something goes wrong?
- What if I missed something?
When we begin living in constant 'what if' thinking, fear starts controlling our life.
That kind of fear does not create safety.
It creates suffering and control.
The goal is to learn how to live wisely and safely, but not to live in constant fear.
We do what we can to create safety. Then we entrust the rest to God.
Scripture reminds us:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” — 2 Timothy 1:7
When we make wise choices and practice safety, we can release the fear that tries to control our lives.
Safety allows us to live. Fear tries to control us.
Recovery means learning the difference.
Healthy Relationship Progression
Introduction
You meet and begin learning basic information about each other.
Questions:
• Who are you?
• What are your interests?
• Do we enjoy spending time together?
Acquaintance
You have casual conversations and begin observing character and behavior.
You are looking for:
• Kindness
• Respect
• Reliability
• Honesty
Friendship
Trust begins to grow.
You start sharing:
• Personal experiences
• Opinions
• Values
• Goals
Questions:
• Do I feel safe with this person?
• Do they respect my boundaries?
• Are they consistent?
Growing Trust
The relationship deepens through shared experiences over time.
Trust is built by:
• Keeping promises
• Being truthful
• Showing up consistently
• Handling conflict respectfully
Emotional Intimacy
You begin sharing more vulnerable parts of yourself.
Examples:
• Fears
• Struggles
• Dreams
• Past experiences
Healthy emotional intimacy develops gradually rather than all at once.
Commitment
The relationship becomes more intentional.
This might include:
• Defining the relationship
• Long-term planning
• Increased responsibility toward one another
Mature Relationship
A healthy relationship continues to grow through:
• Mutual respect
• Communication
• Healthy boundaries
• Forgiveness
• Trust
• Shared values
Green Flags Along the Way
✓ Trust grows slowly and naturally.
✓ Boundaries are respected.
✓ Both people can say 'no' without fear.
✓ Disagreements can be discussed respectfully.
✓ The relationship feels safe, not controlling.
✓ Both people remain themselves rather than losing their identity.
Warning Signs
⚠ Moving too fast emotionally.
⚠ Pressure to share more than you're comfortable sharing.
⚠ Ignoring red flags because of strong feelings.
⚠ Isolation from friends, family, or supports.
⚠ Controlling or manipulative behavior.
